And Then, She Pee’d On Me…

You know those orange juice commercials that hilariously demonstrate a person’s catastrophic day that lays before them, and it ends with the person replying that they will be able to handle the pitfalls of the day because, “it’s a good thing they had their orange juice”?

Yeah, I had one of those days. There was no orange juice in sight.

Picture this: A day filled with traveling from Denver to Chicago via airplane to visit my family for the holidays. Me and two kids. How bad could it be, you ask?

You tell me. Picture this commercial…

Me: Okay, people, what’s on the agenda?

My Son: At 2:00 pm, I am going to have undetermined leg pains that will make getting through two large airports damn near impossible. Throughout the day in the airports, you will look like the most insensitive mom begging me to “Please, hurry up!” as I do my best Tiny Tim impression.

Airport Customer Service Agent: After you realize that there is no longer a skycap at the airport and you have to move four large pieces of luggage, two backpacks, your daughter in a stroller and Tiny Tim inside and through a very long line, I will not be able to find your children’s flight reservations, make you sweat for a good five minutes and make you almost miss your flight.

TSA Agent: The new stroller you bought for the trip will not collapse and we will have to take 10 minutes to ‘hand check’ your umbrella stroller, which will result in you directing your children like a traffic cop diverting traffic around an accident. The people around you will think you are crazy and this close | | to losing your shit.

My daughter: I will refuse to suck on a pacifier during take off, and drink 16 oz. of apple juice, so you will have nothing for me to drink during landing which will make you BEG a flight attendant for water (in which she graciously provided) during the descent. Oh, and I will then give all those liquids back to you in flight, by peeing on your leg.

Me: Awesome. At least I have my vodka and orange juice.

Okay, maybe my version of the commercial isn’t as ‘G-rated’ as the rest, but hell, neither am I. Case in point: at one point I was praying that small little bottles of vodka and/or wine would come pouring out of the overhead compartment of the plane.

Seriously, after this trip, this is the *only* way I want to see  orange juice served on a plane... laden with alcohol...

Seriously, after this trip, this is the *only* way I want to see orange juice served on a plane… laden with alcohol…

photo credit: ginsnob via photopin cc

No such luck, y’all…

Paragraph Break

The black belt characteristic I would like to highlight today is courtesy,¬†¬†because I am extending a HUGE thank you to the three separate women who saw me flailing at the airport, and immediately and selflessly decided to help me. The first woman helped me get Chloe into the check-in line, the second woman volunteered to haul one of my bags to the front of check-in, and the third woman helped me get Chloe’s boots on after security. Each woman jumped in and helped without judgement, and sent us on our way with kind words and wishes of good luck. Chances are I will never see any of them again, but I would just like to send out a big ‘thank you’ into the ethers, with the hope they will somehow feel my gratitude. If it was not for these women, we would have missed our flight. Thank you for helping us make our holiday amazing, and for that I am eternally grateful…

courtesy

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About Jess

Hi, I am Jess. I am an unemployed, overweight thirty-something wife with two kids who has decided to set the goal of earning a black belt in tae kwon do, along side my seven (going on twenty-eight) year old son. I am a serial quitter. I also may be the clumsiest person on earth. This is going to be hard. And really, really funny.

Posted on December 31, 2012, in Courtesy, I Have NO Idea What to Categorize this As..., I'm Rambling... Again..., Parenting and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Hello Lakewood friend! So glad you visited my blog and gave me a chance to discover yours! I can honestly say that I love it and I can’t wait to read more of your stuff! You are right up my alley! I live in Arvada, by the way… thanks again for introducing yourself!

    • No, thank you… I am so glad I found a fellow blogger mom out here in our neck of the woods! Looking forward to lots more laughs in the future! :)

  2. Oh gawd… you poor thing! That which does not kill us… drives us to drink!

    • Seriously, there was not (and still is not) enough flippin’ vodka and wine in the world to heal me of my trauma. The best part is the only thing that kept me from completely losing my sh*t was me visualizing punching my husband right in the face. He really shouldn’t have put me in the position without arming me with large quantities of alcohol. ;)

  3. Traveling with kids is the WORST. Even though my oldest is 5, I’ve managed to never take him on an airplane. I’m sure Murphy’s Law will take over when I do. So glad you survived! Thanks for linking up to Finding the Funny!

    • I truly thought flying was going to be much easier than the 16 hour car ride we usually endure. Now, I’m not sure which was worse! Thanks for hosting the Finding the Funny party – it has connected me with some amazing and hilarious bloggers, including you! I am looking forward to connecting with more bloggers in 2013!

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